Mother’s Day on Sunday raised a lot of bittersweet emotions in me. As I cuddled and played with my two sons, my thoughts occasionally drifted to the two babies my arms never held – my angel babies.
Miscarriage is a heart wrenching experience, made even more so by the taboo around discussing it. Unfortunately, medical professionals can be less than supportive. After my second miscarriage the doctor told me I was “getting old” and my eggs were “deconstructing” and the likelihood of future miscarriages was increasing. (While true, the statements were completely unhelpful and perpetuated the feeling that losing the baby was my fault).
Even loved ones can treat the situation as a condition to get over. You are reassured how “common” miscarriage is and encouraged with the sentiment “at least you know you’re fertile.” And while family will sympathize at the beginning, the loss seems quickly forgotten by everyone except the mother. While time has helped the depth of my sorrow, occasionally a thought propels me right back and I feel that kick in the stomach all over again. I find myself wondering what my two babies would have looked like, what their personalities would have been.
Worrying about miscarriage “signs” during a healthy pregnancy.
During pregnancy, every soon-to-be mother worries. I think that worrying is exacerbated when you’ve previously miscarried, even when you make it past the first trimester. Every spot of blood, every weird cramp, you wonder – is this it, is it happening again? AS if that isn’t enough, every other doctor’s visit you are reminded, “So, this is your 4th pregnancy with one previous live birth?” Everyone around you, your husband, family and friends share in your excitement, but none realize the turmoil swirling underneath the service. You swallow the fears down, afraid that voicing them will somehow cause the misfortune you fear. If you are going through this now, please hear me – you reaching out to someone to work through your concerns and help with your anxiety will not cause those fears to become reality. Don’t put yourself through this same torture – reach out to a friend, see a counselor.
I am truly grateful for my two sweet healthy boys, each one born after a miscarriage – my rainbow babies. I strive to never take them for granted, to be present and engaged in their lives, and be the absolute best mother I know how to be. They are my greatest blessing. However, I finally realize enjoying them doesn’t mean I have to forget about the two I lost.
I’m not alone.
Do you share a similar story? Or, perhaps, you were never blessed with children after a miscarriage. My heart is with you. Please know, that although your story is unique to you, you are not alone. Even if everyone around you seems to have forgotten, it is OK to keep remembering. As for me, I choose to believe in being reunited with those beautiful souls again. Similarly, I urge you to keep hope in your journey as well.
As always, wishing you love & light ~ Jennifer
*If anyone reading this needs some support, feel free to reach out with a comment or message. I won’t publish anything you ask to remain private.
**For some more tips on dealing with anxiety generally, please see my post My Anxiety and 4 Methods I Use to Take my Power Back.
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